Tonsils/Adenoids take 2 by Rachel

So, they are gone! Surgery was successful on Monday - the doctor followed everything we asked him to do (No NO2, no inhalants, did bloodwork, no lactate ringers in the IV). JG is feeling bad but that was to be expected day 3-5. I hope the weekend brings him some relief. But I am so happy it is over.

More Summer 2009 by Rachel

Well it's been a busy summer for us so far. We did not go to my parents for July 4th weekend and in turn did not start SCD. We have decided to wait until after JG's surgery on August 3rd since he will not be eating for a few days while he heals.

He has been doing really well in camp this summer which we are so relieved about. We just never know how a new routine is going to go. It is at his same preschool though which made the transition 100% easier. I am going to start driving him to his new school (public Kindergarten) in the next few weeks to get him use to it. Not sure how to handle it exactly since I am not sure he will understand that he is not going back to preschool.

I also need to take him to the hospital for a walk through to prep him for his tonsillectomy.

We also figured out that he has a bad reaction to chlorine in the pools. So, we are not swimming much in pools right now. Our friend has a salt water pool so that is a life saver. He is taking swimming lessons there during the week which is great.

That's all for now!

DAN! Visit By Rachel

Well we had a good visit with this new doctor. Her name is Dr. Elizabeth Mumper and she is great. She is a pediatrician and use to be the head of peds at VA Medical Center.

www.rimlandcenter.com

Basically after speaking with her and doing a full physical of J. She believes J has a high level of yeast in is GI tract. There have been tests we have done in the past to confirm them. We have tried getting rid of the yeast but when we do J has a bad reaction to it (called yeast die off) and regresses (he gets very frustrated and rigid). We usually stop whatever type of anti-fungal protocol we are doing (we have tried a holistic approach to getting rid of yeast but Grapefruit Seed Extract and also a prescription of Diflucan - both with the same die-off). Dr. Mumper wants us to do what is called an "anti-fungal parade") for 2 weeks we do Grapefruit Sees Extract the next step is to add in Enhansa (which is a more potent herb with curry in it) and then we will do 4 different meds for 2 weeks each. During each of these weeks we will essentially "mop up" all the die off yeast with activated charcoal supplements. With the hopes this helps limit J's negative behaviors.

The big part is that in addition to the anti-fungal parade we need to change J diet. The GFCF diet is ok but mostly it is carbs/startches and rice products. Yeast feeds off of all of this. So, we need to get rid of the yeast and not put more into his system. The diet is call the Specific Carb Diet b/c it's only monosacchrine foods. Basically only, proteins (meats, chicken and turkey - and obviously from reliable farms who only use very good cuts of everything), nuts, veggies and fruits (though there are some better then others). So, no french fries, chicken, pizza, ketschup etc.

I am going to go on this with J b/c I am sure it can only be better for me then what I am eating anyways. It means that we will have to bring what he can eat everywhere we go. No eating out for awhile.

The book that is the SCD Bible is "Breaking the Vicious Cycle" by Elaine Gottschall B.A.,M.Sc that I am waiting to come in the mail to read. Here is a good website though to look at more information on the diet:

www.pecanbread.com
http://www.breakingtheviciouscycle.org

I am planning on implementing it when we get back from our visit to my parents for July 4th weekend. It will gives us a month under our belt before J gets his tonsils out and then starts school.

So we are going to have a crazy few months with the new diet, supplements and the tonsillectomy (not to mention Kindergarten in Sept) will be a little trying for everyone. I know once we get everything in place - it will make a HUGE difference in how J feels.

Dr. Mumper DAN! doctor by Rachel

We are getting ready to leave tomorrow for Lynchburg, VA to go to The Rimland Center to go see Dr. Liz Mumper. I am really looking forward to seeing her since we have been without a "big wig" DAN! since October (when we left Dr. Levinson). Really we have just been floating along with basically the same supplements as before. I did get a new Cod Liver Oil (Dr. Ron's), butter oil and Coq10 b/c I copied what Kirsten's been using.

We also started Floortime and I really think that it is going to help J increase his social skills and speech.

I will write when we get back.

Memorial Day Weekend 2009 By Rachel

We have had an awesome weekend. Honestly, J has had the best few days in a row in a long time. He just was so good with the usual things that put him over into tantrum land (i.e. doing anything he doesn't want to do, leaving places he is having fun at, not getting something he wants etc.)

I have started to really tell him the "plan" each time we are going somewhere and what the "rules" are (which is really what I expect of him and what is acceptable and unacceptable behavoir). It seems to work and he can repeat most of it back to me when I ask him to "repeat what I said" so I know it has sunk in.

I can't even articulate the relief I feel right now...

But as usual I wonder why - is it the supplements which we have been back on pretty steadily the last week (fish oil with coq10, 2 methyaids, probiotic - twice a day, enzyme at each meal, acetyl l-carnitine, l-carnitine). Plus, the mb12 shots every 3 days. Or is it the new behavior plan. Also, he is taking claritin for allergies for a week and a 1/2. Who knows?

This week we are going to meet with a floortime therapist on Friday. Floortime is a therapy that starts with the child playing and the therapist builds off of what the child is doing. It's something that J hasn't done yet - it's like the complete opposite for ABA therapy which we have done for 2 years. It's time to switch it up some.

June 9th is our meeting with Dr. Mumper in VA - a new DAN! dr. I am looking forward to that.

Off I go to enjoy the rest of a great weekend!!

JG's 5th Birthday by Rachel

I can't believe my little guy is turning 5 this weekend! It makes me so happy to see how far he has come and in the same breathe I thought he would be recovered by 5. As always with autism every milestone brings a mixed bag of emotions with it.

But I am really excited about this birthday b/c he is really into it this year. He loves toys! Specifically he loves knights, pirates and princes (really anything that can duel with swords). So it has been fun picking out his toys. I just wrapped them all and I cannot wait to see his face when he opens in them on Saturday. He is not going to know what to do with himself!

He doesn't really understand that the party is this weekend and asks every morning if it's his party today :) My sweet 5 year old boy.

Summer Challenges by Rachel

I am trying to decide what we should tackle this summer. I would like to teach JG to swallow pills since that would make taking his supplements 100% easier. I also would like to implement the SCD (specific carb diet) to see if that helps his yeast.

I am not even sure how to get him to take pills since he has such a strong gag reflex. It is so hard to explain to him that if he took pills he wouldn't have to drink all his supplements.

The SCD is extremely limiting and he would not be able to have his beloved french fries :) Which is good since they are not good for him.

Decisions, decisions....

Tonsils/Adnoids by Rachel

J has had 2 double ear infections this winter. Last winter he had 3 cases of strep throat (he and I passed it back and forth all winter). Before that he had an ear infection and sore throat here and there but nothing chronic.

His Ped suggested we go see an ENT (ear, nose and throat) doctor to get their opinion on whether or not he needs ear tubes or his tonsils out. Well the doctor said that J has a level 3 (on a scale of 1-4) size tonsils (and that is without him being sick). A level 4 size is when the tonsils actually touch. Also, J is a mouth breather and snores at night which affects his teeth and allows a lot of germs in (your nose has nose hairs to filter out the germs when you breathe). With all that said the dr has suggested we take out his tonsils and adenoids.

I have always had strep throat and large tonsils too and I wish they would have taken mine out as a child. So, I was 100% behind this idea. I am worried about the anesthesia.

I posted on a message board about it and got a response that was very disturbing about a NT child who was fine before the surgery and after the surgery went crazy. So, now I am freaking out about it.

We are going to talk to his Ped on Sat. and talk with the ENT again. I am also going to call another ENT for a second opinion.

I don't want to ever put J in harms way but what if this really helps him?

J Update by Rachel

Well we are finally coming off of a 3 week family cold fest. J started off with a double ear infection and a sore throat. Then JL and I got something with congestion, cough and fever. We are finally all on the mend!

J didn't have any supplements for at least a week. It made for a rough few weeks with him just feeling awful from being sick and not having any supplements. Plus, he was on a antibiotics (I did give him probiotics to counteract it but that was it).

We made an appt with a new DAN! Dr. Mumper in Lynchburg, VA. I cancelled the appt with Dr. Compain in NY b/c of weather 3 times. Obviously, it was just not meant to be. I need a DAN! on our team though. I just don't have the knowledge or confidence to do this on my own.

We go on March 10th for a meeting about public Kindergarten next year. We didn't get into the school I really wanted for private K for him (they are filled). There are 2 that I need to follow-up with (TFT and COA) and see if they are a fit. The good news is that his preschool might be having a camp this summer - which would be great so I could work. Also, he wouldn't have to go somewhere he didn't know for camp. This would be their first time holding a camp so they are still working out the kinks.

Kindergarten right now is a priority since I need to have that ironed out. If he goes to K from 9-3 I can take on a new position at work. I am not sure how we feel about sending him to public K vs. private K. Private K is expensive but it will be full day plus he then can start public school in either Kindergarten again or 1st grade. Most importantly, Private K will mean he will get the same therapies through the county for an extra year. Public K means he will not get the services he gets now and there are no backsies with public K (he could repeat it but I would rather him not).

5 years old is right around the corner for J. I can't believe he such a big boy. It makes me sad. First of all, I thought we would have recovered him by now when he got his dx at 3. Secondly, I thought we would have another child - a sibling for J. Plus, the developmental difference between a NT 5 yr old and J is pretty visible now. At 3 and even 4 there is such a wide range of developments that you could squeak by without really noticing. Now, the kids are getting older and it's more obvious to their peers that there is a difference.

I heard this quote the other day:

"For good or bad everything is always changing".

So true.

Turning 5 is stressing me out! by Kirsten

So, JC will be turning 5 in a few months. I can't believe it! I feel like he is still my baby. My husband told me (in a nice way) this morning that I need to stop babying him, but I can't! I think that is just how I am...I will probably be one of those moms cutting up food for my kids when they are 20:)

With turning 5 comes some schooling decisions. Here is the potential dilemma. We want him to stay in his current school (which is a typical preschool/daycare). They have a full-time private K program. Ideally, he would go to their K program & then we would possibly send him to K again the following year. We really do think that he needs that 'growth' year in there. Of course with the hopes that one more year will get him closer to his peers socially.

The problems are:
1. He is extremely 'smart' - not that this is a problem in itself, but he already knows all of the academics for K (and for 1st & 2nd grade, for that matter).

2. It is still up in the air about whether the IU will be providing private K services next year. Apparently this is a new proposal (to stop the IU from providing) & it is not decided yet. I think that this is a state thing.

3. We can't really afford it.

We took JC for the private speech eval. I haven't gotten the written report yet, but it appears that he does NOT have any speech delay. For some areas he tested older than his age & others he was on target. And this was with him purposely giving wrong answers or saying "I don't know" when he really did know (this is one of his 'things' that he does). However, the SLP did suggest she thought he had major focus and attending issues. ADHD here we come???


She also suggested the growth year for JC & made a great point that academics can always be supplemented, but a social skills deficit is harder to handle. She said that it starts to become more apparent from 3rd-5th grade than it would earlier. Giving him that extra year would at least give him a fighting chance.

Otherwise, the updates aren't huge here....just plugging away. I am looking into some new supps & more tests. Got on the waiting list for the GI doc in Boston. He is my greatest hope in the constipation battle right now!

I agree!

I have to make a separate post here instead of ditto-ing Rachel in a comment:) Sue DOES Rock!!! Can I be her when I grow up? Sue, you are one of the smartest, strongest, most amazing women I have ever known. I so admire your dedication to your kids & your drive to heal them. I just know you will. I feel that in my bones. My one wish for you is to make sure you take care of YOU also. I know that it total Oprah-style goofy talk, but it's true. You are amazing...now go get a pedicure:):):) Love ya!

Sue Rocks!

Sue gave a presentation on Nutrition and Leaky Gut last night for a local Autism Support group we all belong too. It was awesome! She is a true example of what a motivated mother/woman can do to change the hand she is dealt with in life. I am so proud to know her and to have her as my friend. I felt like she was a rockstar up there last night and I was a groupie :)

Way to represent the mother-warriors!

Food by Rachel

J did feeding therapy and has done AWESOME with eating. We are stuck in a rut right now with eating the samethings over and over. Also, I have let J have Ian's ABC french fries at least with one meal a day. He also would like to have a cereal bar and bananas for breakfast. I would say 5 out of 7 days I allow this. I need to get back on track with making new foods and not allowing him to get into a routine with certains foods.

Also, I feel like we should try the SCD (specific carb diet) which is eating only simple carbs. Sue has seen big gains with her son since implementing it and I have heard other parents say the same thing. My probably with this is that there will be no potatoes, cereal bars, tings, gummie bears, pasta, pizza, ketschup, sauce, bananas, cookies/cakes, peanut butter, butter etc. All this stuff is bad for him anyway but what am I going give him for snacks at school? What about his treat for taking his supplements? Basically all he will be able to eat is nuts, certain fruits and veggies, meats, chicken, fish. It is so restrictive.

It is just so overwhelming for me to think about implementing a new diet for him. Then I feel awful b/c am I holding him back from recovering b/c I don't want to try a new diet? The GFCF diet is already limiting a lot of food for him. J just had a meltdown b/c he couldn't have a grilled cheese sandwich the other night which breaks my heart to see. He does have an allergy to gluten and caesin (IGG allergy that we found out through a blood test) so he can't have that which makes me feel less guilty to withold those foods from him - since I know they make him physically sick.

Should I wait until the summer to try the SCD diet so he will be out of school? Will it make any difference at all? I just don't know.

Feeling the Love by Rachel

Today has been a great day! J was falling asleep for a much needed nap and I was looking at him and got choked up. The immense love I feel for him is so overwhelming sometimes. He means everything to both JL and I. Here are some of the best things about J:
- He is so funny - he really has a quick wit and sometimes just says things that are hysterical. Example (not appropriate but whatever): He calls my breasts "boots" and one day I was laying down on the floor and he said "Mommy where did your boots go"
- He is beautiful - with his dark hair and eyes and the longest eyelashes ever.
- He has the best hands,feet, belly and bum. I could eat them up.
- He is sweet and compassionate. He always asks if we are ok and wants to give us a spiderman bandaid.
- He is strong and athletic. Loves to run, climb, jump and swim.
- He is truly happy. He has this his awesome belly laugh that just makes you smile.
- He surprises me all the time. Just when I think I know how he is going to react to something he surpises me.
- He loves other people and seeks them out.
- His whole face lights up when he is excited. His eyes actually sparkle.

Even if we don't recover J - he still is a happy little guy and he is loved by so many people. Don't think I am still not going to fight autism until my last breath but I have to remember J is happy and that is what matters most.

Basic Vent by Rachel

The older J gets the more obvious his developmental delay is. I almost don't want to respond when parents ask how old J is. When he was 3 it was ok that his speech wasn't that great but now that he is almost 5 there is a huge gap between him and a NT (neurotypical) child.

In my eyes, speech is J's biggest problem developmentally. He is still not using pronouns correctly, his receptive speech (when you ask him a question) is at a 2 yr 11 month child's level, conversational speech is lacking, his still jargons and he scripts (mostly from movies). If we can get a handle on his speech I think he will fit in more with is peers - he is a social kid by nature so if he has the speech he can interact appropriately. He is getting private speech now in addition to the speech therapy the IU gives him.

Biomedically, I think J's biggest problems are yeast, high levels of tin, stimming (not that this is biomedical but I think there are things we can do for this), some of his quirky things (smelling, itching his skin), focusing, vitamin defiencies and tantrums. I feel like there is some supplement or protocol out there that can fix these things. I do believe that the yeast, tin and food allergies make J feel like crap so he can't learn at the same rate as a NT child does.

Somedays just suck! J has been so fresh lately. It really bothers me. He can't be a fresh/rude child. It's one thing to be autistic and a whole other thing to be fresh. He can't be both. I don't know if it's a phase and all 4.5 yr olds are like this or if he is becoming a...brat (I hate to use this word but if the shoe fits). JL says I should just ignore it but I can't. It makes me angry when he says "Shoo - get away from me" or hits me or says "don't touch me". We give him time outs, tell him it isn't nice and get angry at him. Nothing seems to work. It is so frustrating for me. He doesn't do it much to others but mostly to me, JL and sometimes his grandparents. But it's not acceptable.

Please let it be a phase.

Update by Kirsten

OK, so I am a blogging slacker!!!!!! I promise I will get better (don't quote me on that:)). I will give a little update on where things stand with JC and our lovely ASD world:)

1. We had a parent/teacher (preschool) conference a couple of days ago. The good news is that it was all good news! Yay!!! I had feared that we would go through school never having a positive conference. Since my husband and I both work in public schools, we know the drill. Well, according to the teacher, JC has made a huge social leap in the past month or 2. When he started the school year, the other kids were basically pieces of furniture in the room to him. He would occasionally acknowledge them (when it suited his purposes), but was content to do his own thing. Now, only 5 months later, he has
1. run to greet kids when they come into the room
2. asked a friend to pretend with him (granted, it was some really bizarre game about making a goat colony, but who's complaining?;))
3. made silly jokes with friends
4. been asked on a playdate!
5. looked around & shown interest in what other kids are doing
6. joined kids who are playing something at a table

These may seem like small things to a parent of an NT (neurotypical) kid, but for us, this is HUGE!!!!

2. We decided to go back to our local DAN doctor for a check-in & to order more testing. We just don't have the $$$ right now to go to the big-wig DAN that we saw in July. He said he thinks that JC is going great. We are going to test some levels & do the dreaded poop test (it's soooooo gross!!!). We have poop issues too, and it really sucks! JC has been potty trained for a while, but he still goes 5-7 days between poops sometimes. I really think poop rules our world sometimes. He is a different kid when he is constipated. It sucks. So, we'll do more testing & then figure out where to go from there.

3. We are starting private OT again. We had done this in the past, but our insurance ran out. Now we switched insurance & we have unlimited sessions! Yay! We are going to the same person as Rachel and Jen (shocker!). She is awesome & hopefully this will help. Our main OT issue is self-help skills. If we can get this kid to put on his own clothes, socks & shoes, life will be great:)

4. Speech - we scheduled a private eval. It is expensive, but she is supposed to be great! We have no idea where he stands & that is what we need to know.

I will update again soon!

Drowning in Poop by Sue

Now that CJ6 is eating more fibrous and healthy foods, he is having more frequent stools. This would be great if it occurred on the potty, but he seems to be scared of it. We had potty trained CJ6 for urination over a year ago, but we have not been successful with pooping. During the summer, he was very infrequent (6-14 days without a poop). We realized that this was a medical issue that we needed to address first and that we could not address the behaviors until there was some consistency and or predictability.
Fortunately for school, he seems to poop every afternoon. I think he is holding it until he gets home from school, but somethings he comes home with a slightly soiled underwear (we call this a "dirty fart"). As soon as he gets home from school, I have him pee on the toilet. I have also been having him sit on the potty for 10 minutes (using a timer). I have found that right before he poops, he runs around doing a dance to try and hold it in. Whenever I catch him doing the dance, I whisk him to the toilet, but he runs away saying no. If I catch him before soiling and put him on the potty, it seems that his urge conviently disappears. After 20 minutes, I put him in pull ups. In his entire life, I have only ever gotten him to poop in the potty 3 times (and they were all within 5 minutes of having given him an enema). I believe that he is deathly afraid of the potty.......sort of lik e how he was with eating.
Here is an example of last week........
Wednesday:
After sitting him on the potty for 10 minutes, he proceeded to poop in his underwear. I threw out that underwear and he then pooped 4 more times in pull ups. Again, he sat for another 10 minutes and nothing, so when the 6th one arrived, I could not handle it and told Jim I had gone on strike!!!
Thursday
Of course, we had the same problem, but this time we were at CJ6's gym class!!! I was mortified as I needed to take him into the bathroom, throw out his underwear, and then retrieve a turd that had rolled out of his pants! I just wanted to sit in a corner and cry, but I had to gain my composure because I needed to be a parent to TR2.
Friday
When Cj6 came home, he had stool in his underwear. CJ6's behaviorist worked with him for the next 3 hours. We had him sit on the potty the entire time, with a couple of quick breaks to jump on the trampoline.
Saturday
While at a party, he soiled his underwear, and left a trail of feces on the floor.
Sunday
Had a dirty fart. Put him in a pull up and he stayed up late.......
Monday
CJ6 woke up with poop in his overnight pullup (I think he was retaining until he had privacy)
When he arrived home from school, he had another dirty fart and then 2 more large stools.
I feel totally overwhelmed with poop (especially since I have 2 boys with gi issues in diapers).

Feeding, Pooping and Imaginative Play by Sue

Feeding is going very well. CJ6 is taking larger portions and more variety. I find that if I cut the food into larger chunks, he takes more volume, but I have to be careful not to make the chunks too large. As for variety, he ate homemade pear gelatin last week and honeydew melon this week. There is nothing besides celery that he truly does not like. I am soooo proud of him!! Also, when we went up to Vermont for Christmas week with friends, he immediately ate the food placed in front of him without prompts or protocol. I would turn around and see it being inhaled! Of course, we are back to protocol this week, but I was very impressed and view that as a positive sign.
All I seem to be doing is shopping for organic foods and cooking!!! I cooked carrots, caulifour, chicken, pearsauce, brussel sprouts and yogurt yesterday. I used the blender so much yesterday that I actually burned out the rotating device on my Kitchenaid blender and had to got out and buy a new blender at 10pm last night. Making my own SCD legal almond yogurt is actually very easy.
Now that we have the eating down, we need to work on the pooping thing. Of course, now that CJ6 is eating so many healthy foods with wonderful fiber, we are having multiple poops each day. It would be great if CJ6 were not afraid of the toilet!!!! Yesterday I sat himon the potty for 20 minutes, only to have him get off and poop. I threw out that pair of underwear only to have him poop 4 more times. I was totally pissed by 8pm!!!!
On another note, we are seeing huge cognitive burst and CJ6 has just started imaginative play. This is not something that can be taught by a therapist. It is a developmental milestone and that is amazing that he has finally started doing this. I t could be because his brain and mitochondria are finally getting glucose or it could be because of the chlorella and cilantro combo. We only started to do that 4 weeks ago and began seeing imaginative play 2 weeks ago.....hmmm.

Utter meltdown by Rachel

I just got back from dropping J off at school. He usually runs into school and is so happy to be there. Today he had a complete meltdown/tantrum b/c he wanted to go into another classroom then the one the kids start out in. He was crying, throwing himself on the floor, hitting me and yelling. After about 15 minutes I calmed him down enough for the teacher to distract him so I could leave.

Obviously, I need to give him the supplements today. I think this is the longest he has gone w/o them unless he has been sick (then I usually don't give them to him or I only give him a few). It's only been 3 days (Saturday he threw them up) without them.

What an awful way to start off the day - for both of us.

Random 2009 Items by Rachel

We will be taking J to see a new DAN! dr in NY on Jan. 12th. I am looking forward to this b/c we haven't been happy with our other DAN! dr in FL. I hope this new dr will shed some light on somethings for us.

Here are a few things I want to discuss:

1. Amount/consistency of J's urine - I know gross but true. He pees a ton and it's very clear. Sue brought up that red blood cells are what color the urine yellow and J has low hemoglobin so is that a problem? Also, B vitamins will color pee so is he getting enough B vitamins? He gets the MB12 shot and B6 from fish oil.

2. Do we need to switch up his supplements? Right now he takes:
1 capsule Taurine
2 capsules Probiotics
1 capsule Acetyl L-Carnitine
1 capsule L-Carnitine
2 caps. Methylaids
3/4 tsp fish oil
1 1/2 caps. Coq10 (this also has Vit. C in it)
1 Minerall
1/2 tsp Glutithione
1 cap. Vit E gamma-tocopherol
MB12 shots
Authia Cram
Epsom Salt Baths

Actually I have not given him any supp. in 3 days since we had an early appt with this new DAN! dr but had to change it due to pending weather. So, I really should start again today since the appt is now in 2 weeks.

3. Address his stimming. He really has been doing it more lately without the supp.

4. Speech is a huge issue - we are starting private speech lessons next week. I am really hoping this helps J but is there another supp that might help more then just the Methyaid which has the TMG in it.

5. Yeast - we can't seem to get a handle on this b/c as soon as we start a yeast protocol he starts regressing (tantrums, fussy, frustrated). We have tried GSE and diflucan - both affected him the same.

6. GFCF - should we stay on this diet or switch to SCD or another diet? Would it help his yeast issue?

In addition to this appt. I need to settle J's school situation.

We really need to figure out what we are going to do with J this summer and next year. Since I am working now I need to figure out a camp situation for J. I so want him to go to the same place Kirsten sends her kids b/c
1. It's a great place (as I am told by everyone) 2. They have a summer program so I would kill 2 birds with 1 stone. We have been on their waiting list for 2 years now. I call every few weeks to check and see if there is an opening but there never has been. The school said that by March they should know if they have any openings. There are 2 other private schools that I have as a back up plan. I really want to get the school situation settled asap so I don't have to worry about it any longer. It weighs on me.